Remembering Anna

One fear we have is that as time passes, those who knew Anna in this life will forget her.  We fear that as the years pass and new memories are made, the memories of others that involve Anna will fade, be replaced, or even disappear.  We learned in our group at Agrace that other parents have a similar fear.

We recognize, however, that these fears are unfounded.  Although Anna will not be included in the new memories being made, she will always be a part of the memories that are already there.

Some of the most uplifting interactions I have had in recent months are when someone says "I saw _____ and thought of Anna" or "_______ made me miss Anna today".  Those specific bits of communication give me confidence that Anna will continue to be a part of the people who knew her, just as she will always be a part of our family.

Even though I know Anna won't be forgotten, we have participated in a few activities this spring/summer with the express purpose of remembering Anna together.

Books, Flowers, and Bookmarks

Shortly after Anna's memorial service, we thought it might be nice to do something with the flowers that were on display.  Neither Matt nor I have much experience with drying flowers (or decorating for that matter) so we asked our book club friends in McFarland if they were interested in helping.

A few of the families in this book club are ones we have known in one way or another since Anna was a baby; others we met along the way.  Many of them were involved in the organization of Songs for Anna in 2014.  Many of them attended Anna's birthday parties both before cancer and post-cancer; several of them included Anna in birthday parties during the last several years.  Many of them are considered part of our "McFarland family".

When we asked them to help with the flowers, one family had experience drying flowers whereas another family just happened to have an unopened flower press on hand.  They got to work right away drying the different flowers.

As time passed, it was decided that we would meet up at someone's house to create a shadow-box display with the flowers for our home and then make bookmarks with the flowers and leaves that were left.  Knowing the hearts of the organizers, I asked if a couple of Anna's friends from other circles could be included in this afternoon of art and creation.  Of course, they welcomed whoever would be able to attend, so a close church friend and a good therapy friend both joined in.

One Sunday in early April, we all gathered at a friend's house for a beautiful afternoon of remembering and creating.

The bookmarks were distributed among the families in attendance, our family, and other close friends and family.  Our family loves being able to use our bookmarks on a daily basis.

We have plans to meet again in August to finish up the shadow-box project and enjoy one another's company.

Yearbook Signing

Sometime in May, I remembered that we had ordered a yearbook for Anna's 6th grade year so I contacted Anna's case manager to see what could be done about that.  Of course, this thought had already crossed her mind and she had plans to share.

During the usual yearbook-signing time, Anna's yearbook was passed around and made available to students and staff who wanted to sign.  We picked the yearbook up on the last day of school and were very touched by the messages left, both by peers and staff.  Their notes provided us with a window into how Anna will be remembered by those who knew her in her school circles.

We will treasure the yearbook as much as we treasure the memory cards from Anna's visitation and memorial service.

McFarland Sparks 4H and the Badger Childhood Cancer Network

Each year our 4H club applies for funds from a county endowment grant to help finance a local, community-impact project.  In years past the club created a "pizza garden" in the community garden and developed a beautiful mosaic sign for the youth garden.

Last fall when the topic came up at a regular club meeting, one of the ideas presented was to create care kits for local children undergoing treatments for cancer.  (The organizer of the grant didn't know Anna at the time.)  At the meeting, Anna piped up with her characteristic optimism and bravery, sharing how she understood firsthand how meaningful those kits can be.

Anna's voice sharing her personal experience sealed the deal for many club families and it was agreed that this would be the project.  In November, we were able to connect our club's grant organizer with the Badger Childhood Cancer Network, since the BCCN already provides these type of kits.

Then Anna passed away and the project took on new meaning.

Our club used the endowment grant to purchase the bags given to newly diagnosed families, the community participated in an Amazon wishlist fundraiser (which will continue to be active for anyone wanting to donate items) to purchase items for the kits, and members of our club spent an evening in July filling the bags.  Each 4H member chose an age range and gender, grabbed a bag, and stuffed it full of toys, games, and other items to provide comfort and distraction to children with cancer or life-threatening blood disorders.

A poster explaining the experience was created and was shown at the Dane County Fair.

"In Loving Memory of Anna Mischnick"

We are in the process of having a bench placed in Anna's honor at McDaniel Park in McFarland.

During the spring I had the idea that it might be nice to have a bench in our community for others to visit and remember Anna.  The whole family took to the idea and we chose McDaniel Park as the location.

McDaniel Park has been one of our family's favorite local parks for the last decade, beginning as soon as Anna was old enough for parks.  The beach, the pier, and the playground provided us with an ideal place for picnics and playtime when the kids were young.  More recently, our family enjoyed the opportunity to use the Lower Yahara River Trail connecting McFarland to other parts of Dane County.

We thought this would be the ideal location for anyone in McFarland to visit as well as other friends in Dane County if they're willing to take a bike ride on a beautiful boardwalk.

After we made our initial inquiries with the Village Public Works Department, we learned that some final landscaping adjustments would be made at McDaniel Park this summer after the major work of the last few summers that was required for putting in the bike path.  Our request was perfectly timed.

The bench has been ordered and will be placed later this summer (probably in September).  I will be sure to update this post when we know exactly when the bench will be ready for use.

We would love to receive a note, text, message, picture, etc. of when others stop by the bench to remember Anna.  Then we will continue to be assured that those who knew Anna will continue to carry her with them in their hearts.

BCCN Superhero Run

Our family will be participating in this year's Badger Childhood Cancer Network Superhero Run on Saturday, September 14.  More accurately, we will be walking in the 2 mile walk :)  We created a team called "Amazing Anna's Awesome Team" (which was the great name created by friends in 2015 when Anna was an honorary superhero) and hope to see members of Anna's "teams" that morning as we walk, remember, and raise money for other local kids in need.

Please consider registering to join us here.  Or you can simply donate in Anna's honor here.  (We haven't been able to find a way to donate to Anna's team without registering yet, but hopefully those kink will get worked out of the system soon.)

In our home

Our family has its own ways to talk about and remember Anna.  We think of her often and her name comes up in our conversations almost every day.

We have taken some time to deliberately remember Anna, too, especially around her birthday.  However, those remembrances will remain private.

(I am continually conscious of protecting my heart and the hearts of my family members.)

One Mother's Experiences with Grief

As with most everything these days, resources abound related to grief and the grieving process.  Books, articles, personal stories, blogs, etc.  I have chosen not to read much about how people grieve, similar to how I chose to trust the medical experts while Anna was going through treatment instead of spending my time researching more than was necessary.

This time around, I merely scratched the surface with my learning, which was mostly from the resources provided to us through Agrace.  Some of the generalities about grief I have found to apply to my situation; others not.  Below are some of the ideas that resonated with me and my personal thoughts regarding them.

The term grief applies to more than crying.

Grief is not something one can fully understand unless they have experienced the depth and complexity of emotions that come with the loss of someone or something dear.  I used to think that the term "grief" applied to only those times when sadness reigns because of that loss.  I have learned otherwise.

For me, "grief" has been like a whole mind-body illness which is taking long stretches of rest and personal grace from which to recover.

Grief can be physically painful.

Yes, yes, yes!  I was completely unprepared for the intensity of my body's physical reactions to Anna's death.  January and parts of February included more physical pain than I had experienced in a long, long time.  I am still learning of ways in which my body reacted and is continuing to react to the trauma and loss I experienced.

I liken it to an intense earthquake of emotions and related hormones that have continued to surface as aftershocks.  I anticipate this aftermath to last for some time yet.

The "Steps of Grief" may not happen as steps.

For me, grieving has been cyclical with a wide range of thoughts and emotions that tumble over one another, often at odd times.  Some days include the entire spectrum of those emotions, which is okay.

Grieving might include more than the loss of a loved one.

Yes!  Much of my life and personal identity during the last five years was as "Anna's mom", to the point where I was caught off guard when someone outside of my family called me by my name.  My friendships, daily tasks, planning, and decision-making often included Anna as a major part.

In January, I had the realization of just how different my life was going to be when compared to what it had been in December, and not simply because Anna was no longer with us here on earth.

Many of the people with whom I interacted on a weekly basis were no longer a part of my life.  Many of the aspects of my identify were suddenly gone.  No more therapists, no more doctors, no more nurses, no more educational team.  No more regular contact with other 6th graders and their families.  That whole part of my life was suddenly gone.

It was as if a lightning bolt struck the tree of my life and half (or more) of my trunk was separated from the remaining tree.

My life since February has included the beginnings of finding my new place in the world, reinventing who I had become during the previous five years.

Grief is exhausting.

Yes!  My physical and emotional strength and stamina were completely wiped out in January.  In February (when the physical pain was beginning to subside) I chose to begin the process of rebuilding that strength and stamina.

Building physical strength and stamina was easier.  At first taking short walks was about all I could handle each day.  Thankfully, I have been able to increase my abilities to the point where I can take care of myself, my family, and my garden, and have fun doing those things.

However, my energy and stamina are still not where they were a year ago.

Building emotional stamina has been trickier.  Re-entering the world outside my home came in baby steps, first participating in activities at church, then in the community, while I rounded out the school year with a handful of substitute teaching positions (most often as an aide).  I am not exactly sure what the fall whill hold, but I will enjoy these summer days while they are here.

Some of the steps were more challenging than others, and sometimes I took too big of a step, causing me to stumble.  But I am hopeful that I will continue to improve.

Which leads to ...

It is important to protect my heart when and where I can.

I chose to disengage with Facebook just after Anna's death.  No one made posts with the intention of hurting me, but too many posts were causing me unintended pain anyway.  I harbor no resentment regarding any of those posts; I just didn't want to see them anymore.

Closing off that part of the world was a very healthy choice for me.  I have enjoyed my face-to-face and letter-writing interactions immensely this calendar year.

I also found comfort in removing myself from other situations in order to protect my heart.  I can be responsible for my own mental well-being by making a subtle and (perhaps) graceful exit when the need arises.

Laughter is just as important as tears.

Actually, laughing is some of the best medicine.  We joked in our group at Agrace that perhaps we laughed too much together as a group.

One of the best humorous stories that came up was when the parent group was lamenting about how others seem to be afraid to say our dead child's name.  One parent questioned, "Why?  Are they afraid that they're going to remind us that our child died?  Oops!  You're right!  I forgot that he/she died!  (slaps forehead)"

Grief is mind-numbing.

My brain alternated between numb and hyperactive during the winter and spring.  I found it helpful to spend hours of my days in February reading some good middle-grades fiction books.  The stories distracted me enough during both extremes.

Then when I became restless with the long winter, I found satisfaction in cleaning out many of the spaces in our home that hadn't been sorted through in more than 6 years.

Grief is like an onion.

In many situations, it would be much too painful to slice through the entire grief onion all at once.  We have found this to be true in our family, too.

Sometimes, I can anticipate when another layer is coming off and am able to stall until I find a safe and comfortable place to deal with the pain.  Other times I am caught off-guard by the layer.  Every once in awhile, I can sense the waves coming and have the ability to divert my brain to another task before becoming overwhelmed, at least until I'm ready.

As the various layers come off, they often bring tears.  Once that layer has been removed, however, my brain can settle on those thoughts without as much pain.

Children grieve like they eat an apple.

Take a bite.  Set down the apple.  Go play.  Come back later to take another bite.  Get distracted.  Forget about the apple.  Get hungry and go get another bite.  Go play again.  Wonder what happened to that apple.  Go get another bite.  And so on.

True.

Often times I experience another layer coming off of my onion when one of my kids takes another bite of their apple.

Grief is unavoidable; it must be walked through.

It doesn't work to ignore the pain, be it physical or emotional.  If it's not dealt with, it just gets worse.  The only way to get to the other side of this valley is to keep going forwards.  We can't go back.  We can't go around it.  We can't skip it.  We have to just keep going through it in the best ways that we know how.

So that's what we're doing, walking through this valley of grief.  It will continue to take time.

Anna is never far from our thoughts.  We think of her and miss her every day.