Theological questions

Some friends mentioned to us at the start of everything that at some point we would have difficult faith-related questions.  We have.  For me, personally, I have not questioned God's existence or presence during our trials.  We know that God is walking with us every step of the way and providing strength and support as no earthly person could.  Our questions, however, deal with God's mercy and compassion.  Why does cancer have to happen to a sweet, little girl?  Specifically, our daughter?

After thinking about this question a lot and talking with Matt, I'm going to attempt to describe our current understanding.  Before I begin, though, let me offer the following disclaimer.  Matt and I are not trained theologians, nor have we taken many theology courses (although we have taken some).  However, we were both raised in Christian homes that had - and still have - a strong Lutheran heritage, we both attended Lutheran schools for some of our elementary years, and we both went to Valparaiso University, a Lutheran university.  In addition, we have had the opportunity to "rub shoulders" with some pretty talented, knowledgable pastors.  For example, Matt's dad and both of his brothers-in-law are pastors; one of my college roommates is also a pastor; and multiple retired pastors and "theological offspring" (a.k.a. pastor's kids) call our church their home.  Besides, our pastor is a pretty good one :)

With all this said, my theology may not be very sound.  For those who have more experience in these matters than me, please correct me when I'm wrong.  So ... here it goes.

I do not think that cancer was part of God's perfect plan when He created the world.  However, when sin enetered the world, a lot of other crap came along with it, cancer included.  Although God did not (and I assume, still does not) want His children to suffer from things like cancer, it still happens because of that pesky issue called sin.

What God does promise to do is to be with us when things like cancer happen.  He walks with us, and sometimes even carries us, through the difficult times.  And then when the hard times have passed, He helps us look back and learn from those experiences.

I do well with analogies and here is one that has helped me.  A few years ago, Anna was at a neighborhood park sitting on the teeter-totter when she startled a wasps' nest that was under the seat.  She was stung several times before I was able to pull her from the equipment and protect her from more harm.  After calming her down and soothing her wounds, our whole family continued to refer back to and learn from the experience for months to come.  Even though it was very painful at the time, we helped her move through and beyond the specific trial.  In the same way, God helps us move through and beyond difficult situations.

Matt is usually the first one, however, to tell me how my analogies break down.  In this particular one, things fall apart when we realize that we as parents are not all-knowing and all-powerful (surprise, surprise).  Even if I knew that there was a wasps' nest under the seat, there was nothing I could do to stop the initial pain and suffering.

We struggle with the fact that God is omniscient and omnipotent and yet Anna is still suffering.  We assume that since He has the knowledge and the power, He could make things happen differently.  We wonder why He hasn't, and realize that on this side of heaven we probably won't know the whole reason why Anna has had to battle brain cancer.

At the same time, I'm not necessarily sure that I want to know God's whole reason, because knowing might bring up more questions for which I'm not ready to hear the answers.  I have learned that sometimes I don't want to know exactly what is going on.  For example, we have not seen the MRI images from the Tuesday when Anna's cancer was at its worst, and I don't know when, or if, I will ever be ready to see those pictures.

The Lutheran Hour Ministries prayer for yesterday and today was the same.  I think, perhaps, God was trying to tell me something.  Here's the prayer:

Dear Lord, please help me remember that You are almighty, all-powerful, and all-knowing, that Your love, mercy and grace are never ending, and that all I need to do is to trust and follow in Your way. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Back to the day-to-day reality.  Anna is continuing to make progress every day with her strength and skills.  The speech therapist who has worked with her this week has been impressed at the improvements Anna has made with her eating in just these few days.  The physical therapist and occupational therapist also see improvements on a daily basis.  Considering the hectic schedule Anna had this morning, any kind of gains are a good sign.

Today the decision was made for Anna to stop being fed via her ng-tube and to start TPN instead.  TPN stands for total parenteral nutrition.  Basically, Anna will no longer receive formula or pediasure through her body's natural digestive system, but will be receiving her nutrition directly into her blood stream.  Between the effects of the spinal radiation on her intestines, her continuing positive test for c.diff, and the antibiotics being used to treat her c.diff infection, her body was literally absorbing zero percent of the nutrients entering her stomach.

So, it's TPN for now.  Before it started, I asked all of the questions that we have learned to ask ... What are the possible side effects?  (Too rapid weight gain, possible infection at the site of her port, etc.)  Can she still eat whatever she is capable of eating orally?  (Yes.)  What does the weaning process look like?  (Too complicated to go through right now.)  And so on ...

We know that this is the right path for Anna at this point in time.  Her little intestines and her sore bottom just need a break and a chance to recover.  Once her antibiotic is done on Saturday, and her feeds have been done for 48 hours, the plan is to slowly reintroduce pediasure and she how she does.

Time for prayers

Thanksgiving
Please give thanks that Anna's nutrition plan has been set up with minimal issues.
Please thank God for the strength that Anna has been gaining, in spite of the fact that she has been, for all practical purposes, starved for a few weeks.
Please give thanks for Anna's stable vital signs.
Please thank God for the exemplary care Anna is receiving from the doctors and nurses.
Please give thanks for Melissa and the role she is able to take in our family.
Please thank God that we are still managing to keep our heads above water.
Please give thanks for the extended time I got to spend with Anna today.
Please thank God for all of the smiles I saw on Anna's face today; even her nurse got to have a glimpse of them.

Requests
Please pray that the TPN works well for Anna.
Please pray that Anna's gut begins to heal and that she will not need to be on TPN for very long.
Please ask God to continue to grant Anna strength and healing.
Please ask God to ease Anna's muscle soreness and help her sleep better tonight (Anna's request).
Please pray that the treatments are 100% effective and that Anna experiences minimal side effects.
Please continue to pray for Anna's care givers at the hospital.
Please continue to pray for strength and wisdom for Matt and me.

Since the author of the Lutheran Hour Ministries included the same prayer twice, I will, too.  It's a good one.

Dear Lord, please help me to remember You are almighty, all-powerful, and all-knowing, that Your love, mercy and grace and never-ending, and that all I need to do is trust and follow in Your way. In Jesus. Amen.