I have been holding back on writing about my anger because I didn't want to offend anyone or project the idea that we have lost hope. But at this point, I don't care what other people think. In fact, I want everyone to know that I am very angry at God, and I have been all week. I can't get past this feeling, but maybe writing about it will help.
Up until now I have been able to see some purpose in things that have happened, even if we were not exactly in the center. But I can see no good in Anna's current condition, in her being back on the PICU, and in how this is affecting our whole family.
What more does God want from us? We have placed our daughter in His hands two separate times, and yet she is still with us. Why? We have given up control of so much, willingly and unwillingly. What more does He want us to do? When I have had these yelling conversations with my mom, she reminds me that maybe this is not about our family. That makes me even angrier because it means we, especially Anna, are just pawns.
I know the Holy Spirit is trying to speak to me, which probably is in part a result of the hundreds of people praying about us. When I get a card, listen to a song, hear Scripture read at church, or listen to a sermon, I am encouraged and reminded that we are not alone. But those feelings last only briefly. And then the sadness and anger set in again.
We are also becoming more and more aware that the doctors don't have all the answers. I don't think we ever truly thought that they did, but we have always referred to them as the "experts". However, the longer this goes on, and the more complicated Anna's medical status becomes, the less and less faith we have in the answers that the doctors give us.
Anna's "neurological status" has been declining since Friday. She is more and more tired, physically weaker, and less cognitively "with it". Matt did all the right things and told all the right people when he was noticing this yesterday. But the answer he kept getting was that she was tired because of the radiation, and the infection, and the surgery.
Today we asked again. The neurosurgeon said it could be because Anna has been having seizures, which is not uncommon with as much brain trauma as she has had. So she had an EEG and it came back inconclusive for seizures, but she was started on anti-seizure medication anyway. Later tonight she will have a long MRI done of her spinal cord to see how things look back there and to see if any questions can be answered.
When I started this post earlier today, I was still really angry. Now I am more sad than angry. I know in my head that we are never alone, but in my heart I feel lonely. My mom reminded me today that God's mercy does not necessarily refer to our earthly life, but more to our eternal lives. Even if I don't have much room in my heart right now for earthly hope (which Matt tells me I still should), we
still have hope for Anna's eternal soul.
Please continue to pray for us.
7 comments:
In my humble opinion what you are feeling is totally normal and understandable and expected. There is no explaining or accepting of what Anna and you as her loving parents are going through. We read today at church that one of the things Jesus said on the cross was "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" If he as God's son can express that anger and frustration, why would anyone who is human feel less. There's No One who could calmly accept and understand what is happening. We will continue to pray that you are surrounded by Gods love and that the support of friends and family will help you all deal with your sadness.
God allows us to be angry, even at him. We continue to pray for Anna, your family and Anna's caregivers. I am praying that the MRI helps the doctors figure out how to help Anna.
Sara and Matt, of course, you are angry but the worse thing you can do is get angry at yourselves for feeling angry. God does not deny us our feelings of anything, even negative feelings. Personally, I think expressing them is healthy. Even in your sadness and anger, I beg God to let you feel His presence and His mercy and His grace. I believe that is what Anna's soul is experiencing now.
Your anger does not separate you from God.
We just want you to know that we're reading and listening, thinking, and praying for you often.
Of course you are angry. This is horribly unfair, scary, and so hard on you and your family. Continuing to pray for your medical team to find answers and for your family.
Hello Mischnick Family,
My husband, Ryan, just told me about the latest update about Miss Anna. Although I cannot say I understand how you feel or what you are going through, I hope you find some small sense of peace knowing you are all being prayed for on a daily basis.
Selfishly, I hoped on Facebook shortly after talking to Ryan about your anger and Anna's continued pain, and the first thing I saw was the following post from my 21 year old cousin, Ben:
Sometimes when life just don't make sense at all- when your mountains look so big, but your faith just seems so small- say, "Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my glory, please be my Prince of peace."
Tonight I pray that you feel held in His arms...that Anna finds comfortable rest...and the doctors continue to find the necessary wisdom.
Blessings,
Jody
Post a Comment