Saturday, April 11, 2020

Journaling #2 - December 2019


What do you wish for yourself at this point in your life?

It’s funny that since I received your letter with the next questions, they began to morph in my mind as I pondered them.  This one somehow turned into “What are your goals for yourself at this point in your life?”, which is definitely different than the original question.  I’m glad that I looked at it again before I starting putting my thoughts on paper.

Whenever anyone in our family has been given the option of wishing recently, one of the first things that comes to mind is wishing that Anna were here.  During Ethan’s special person week, he completed a poster about himself, including a section titled “Three wishes I have are …”  Sure enough, one of his wishes was that Anna didn’t die (but not before he wished that we lived in a fancier house).

My first wish is the same.  I wish that Anna were here with us, that we could hug her, talk to her, listen to her, play with her, and do all of the things that we loved to do with her.  I know that life would be very, very different if Anna were still here, that much of life would be fuller and more difficult in certain ways, and yet I still wish that she were here.  I probably always will.
But that’s not a realistic wish.

So, realistically speaking, I wish that I find ways in which I can help others, hopefully using some of the lessons that life has taught me thus far.  I wish that I have the mental, physical, and emotional strength to do whatever that might be.  I wish that my family continues to stay close, strong, and supportive.  I wish that Matt and I have the grace and wisdom to shepherd our children as they continue to grow and heal.  I wish that Matt and I have the grace and wisdom to support one another as we continue to heal and move forward.  I wish that my relationships with others continue to be a driving force in my life.

These are more realistic wishes over which I have an element of control.

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