January 16, 2019

January 16, 2019

Dear God,

I’m really pissed off and angry today, not because I miss Anna (which I still do every day), but because I have finally realized that Anna’s visitation and funeral were probably the last times I was able to see many of my friends.  I’m in the “angry” stage of the grief process, but today I’m grieving the holes in my life instead of Anna.

This is NOT fair.  WHY did this have to happen to ME?  I’m NOT being selfish.  This is MY life, too.  In fact, this was probably more MY life that got screwed up than Anna’s.

I LIKED my life before Anna had cancer.  I LIKED my life this past fall.  Why does MY life always have to change?!?!

In 2014, I missed my friends.  It took a long time to reshape some of those friendships.  But, I made new friends.  Every time Anna was transferred from one area to another, I had to reshape those friendships yet again.

Then, after Anna was discharged, I missed my hospital friends.  Sure, Anna and I went back every month for her chemo visits and then again for visits, but it wasn’t the same.  Those friends slowly faded from my life, too.

So I made new friends.  Leah, Dave, Shelley, nurse Jaime.  They were good friends, with whom we had a history.  But, eventually, they left, too.  I missed them.

But then I made new friends.  Therapy friends, doctor specialist friends, special education friends.  The school friendships were pretty awesome.  These were all my kinds of people … friendly, intelligent, wanting to help others.

I LIKED going to CI.  Anna’s therapists were my friends, too.

And slowly, slowly I found a new rhythm to the friendships I had prior to Anna’s cancer.  My church friendships definitely underwent some changes, but some of them became deeper because of Anna’s cancer.  I was able to reconnect with McFarland people and enjoyed the relationships that were developing.

Now not only is Anna gone, but many of those friendships are gone for good, too.  Everyone else’s life moved on.  The holes in their schedules filled in fast, but mine haven’t.  I’m not READY to enter another sphere to make new friends yet.  I have too much crap to deal with for me.  But it’s lonely.

I KNOW that I will adjust in time, but this week it has really sunk in that all of the “we should get together sometime” talk was just that … talk.  Other people have busy lives and they don’t want to carve out a new space just to make me feel better.

This sucks.  I’m tired of my life being screwed up.  I don’t want to put for the effort that it takes to start over.

Me.

January 8, 2019

January 8, 2019

Dearest Anna,

Today was supposed to be your MRI day.  How you looked forward to these days!  You and I always were able to spend some time together just the two of us while we waited for the nurses and doctors to have everything set.  Your favorite part was “taking a three hour nap”.

Once upon a time, anesthesia did not agree with you.  But in the last few years, we had found just the right cocktail of medications to ease your way into and out of anesthesia.  When I would be called back to your side, we would start by listening to quiet, calming music.  Then, I knew you were coming back to yourself when you asked for different music.  I also knew when our time in the Campground was coming to an end because you would start asking to play games again.

You were always such a good sport about the MRI days.  You never complained about having to wear a diaper; the IVs didn’t bother you; and you thoroughly enjoyed the special time with me.

I don’t know what the doctors will ever say about your cause of death, but I believe in my heart that something would have shown up on this MRI.  I was so afraid of having to make any more hard decisions regarding your body.  If the scans had shown a secondary cancer, which I think they would have, you and Dad and I would have had to decide how it would be treated.

I didn’t want to go through that again; I didn’t want YOU to have to go through that again.  Although we would have done whatever was necessary, it would have been much harder than it was the first time.  It would have been harder because we would have known more about what we were doing to your body, your mind, and our family.  I believe that we were all spared from having to make any of those decisions.

But I miss our MRI days.  I enjoyed them, too.  The older you became, the fewer opportunities we had to hang out together, just the two of us.

Jesus loves you and so do we.

Mom

A different time.

And now for something entirely different.

Last year I did a lot of writing.  Letters.  Some sent to others.  Some kept for me.  Journal entries.  Random thoughts.  A family journal.

Most of these writings I kept private.  I was not ready to share some of my deepest thoughts and fears with others outside of my family, making myself vulnerable to the world.

But, with the different time we live in now, I thought these writings might offer a nice change of pace for reading material.  As I started rereading some of them in preparation for posting them, I found the different topics a refreshing change from the fast-paced, fear-inducing words that are prevalent now.

Many of these words were written a year or more ago.  I am farther along in my personal journey than I was at the time the words were written.  And yet, writing them down at the time helped.

What I will post in the coming days and weeks are not all-inclusive of my writings from last year.  Some things will remain private, most notably anything regarding Matt and the kids.  The choice to make personal writings public is an individual choice.  I will not take that choice away from them.

But my choice right now is to share some of my personal journey in the hopes that it helps someone else.

Christmas Letter (with pictures!)

Merry Christmas!

As with many aspects of life these days, the Christmas season brings a complicated mix of emotions for our family.  We strive to find a healthy balance with the thoughts and feelings we each experience, finding ways to remember Christmases past as we work to make new memories together, and discover how to celebrate the joy of the season while at the same time honoring Anna's memory and continued place in our lives.

Although 2019 included many painful adjustments to our lives, we have found ourselves well supported and continue to heal individually and as a family.

Kate finished 4th grade with a flourish just a few short weeks after she turned 10.

The beginning of 5th grade has brought with it added responsibilities and independence, but Kate is weathering the experiences well.  She enjoys opportunities to plan, record, and edit videos for Student Council and the Waubesa Word, her school's weekly news broadcast; and has begun learning to play the viola as part of the school's orchestra program.  (She's also taking lessons from her god-mother!)

Kate's preferred activities these days are writing, reading, creating, and playing all while having a tender heart for animals (except spiders).  She remains active in 4H, having earned county fair ribbons this past summer in creative writing, poultry (for a poster, not showing the chickens), and art.

Ethan ended his kindergarten year by being selected as his classroom's Super Spartan Star, before taking the summer off of academic responsibilities in preparation for 1st grade.  Ethan continues to endear himself to most adults with whom he interacts and is soaking up all of the learning experiences this school year has to offer.

Ethan began formal music lessons this year to help fuel his innate desire to interact with all things musical.  After a handful of ukulele lessons this summer, he has been taking weekly piano lessons this fall, looking forward to his practice times with mom and even asking to use a metronome (!) during practice.

In addition to his passion for music, Ethan also inherited a passion for building and tinkering.  Given free time, he can often be found building in his very own workshop that he receives as part of his 7th birthday celebration.

I have continued to substitute teach periodically in our local school district this calendar year, finding joy and satisfaction in being able to use many of my experiences to help other teachers and kids.  I have also continued to share what I have learned about children affected by cancer with educational professionals through a handful of invitations to be a guest presenter.

I was able to grow many vegetables and fruits in the yard this year, un spite of the shorter-than-average growing season.  In addition to gardening, I also thoroughly enjoyed going hiking, biking, and swimming with Ethan and Kate all summer long.

After 13 1/2 years working at GE Healthcare, Matt took a new job in December at Trek Bicycle Corporation.  Although he will miss the comradery of his co-workers (yes, Matt sometimes likes being around people), the relationships he had were no longer enough to offset the negative aspects of working at GE.  The new position (and longer commute) will be the cause of many transitions for our family, but we are optimistic that the shift will be a healthy one for all of us.

Our family was able to make some special memories together this year:

meeting acclaimed children's author Patricia Polacco,

participating in a family camp in the Kewaunee Peninsula,

camping at Wyalusing State Park,

donating a bench in memory of Anna at McDaniel Park in McFarland,

walking with a few dozen friends and family at the annual BCCN Superhero Run in Anna's honor,

and attending a For King and Country concert in Madison (the kids' first concert!), among other things.

As you celebrate Christmas this year, we hope you are able to create positive memories with friends and family, find joy in small moments, and rejoice in the birth of Jesus, our God, Savior, and Friend.