January 16, 2019

January 16, 2019

Dear God,

I’m really pissed off and angry today, not because I miss Anna (which I still do every day), but because I have finally realized that Anna’s visitation and funeral were probably the last times I was able to see many of my friends.  I’m in the “angry” stage of the grief process, but today I’m grieving the holes in my life instead of Anna.

This is NOT fair.  WHY did this have to happen to ME?  I’m NOT being selfish.  This is MY life, too.  In fact, this was probably more MY life that got screwed up than Anna’s.

I LIKED my life before Anna had cancer.  I LIKED my life this past fall.  Why does MY life always have to change?!?!

In 2014, I missed my friends.  It took a long time to reshape some of those friendships.  But, I made new friends.  Every time Anna was transferred from one area to another, I had to reshape those friendships yet again.

Then, after Anna was discharged, I missed my hospital friends.  Sure, Anna and I went back every month for her chemo visits and then again for visits, but it wasn’t the same.  Those friends slowly faded from my life, too.

So I made new friends.  Leah, Dave, Shelley, nurse Jaime.  They were good friends, with whom we had a history.  But, eventually, they left, too.  I missed them.

But then I made new friends.  Therapy friends, doctor specialist friends, special education friends.  The school friendships were pretty awesome.  These were all my kinds of people … friendly, intelligent, wanting to help others.

I LIKED going to CI.  Anna’s therapists were my friends, too.

And slowly, slowly I found a new rhythm to the friendships I had prior to Anna’s cancer.  My church friendships definitely underwent some changes, but some of them became deeper because of Anna’s cancer.  I was able to reconnect with McFarland people and enjoyed the relationships that were developing.

Now not only is Anna gone, but many of those friendships are gone for good, too.  Everyone else’s life moved on.  The holes in their schedules filled in fast, but mine haven’t.  I’m not READY to enter another sphere to make new friends yet.  I have too much crap to deal with for me.  But it’s lonely.

I KNOW that I will adjust in time, but this week it has really sunk in that all of the “we should get together sometime” talk was just that … talk.  Other people have busy lives and they don’t want to carve out a new space just to make me feel better.

This sucks.  I’m tired of my life being screwed up.  I don’t want to put for the effort that it takes to start over.

Me.